I haven't told many people this :: In December of 2019 I received a lumbar epidural, right where I’ve always wanted a tattoo, at the bottom of my back. It was the doctors way of “making me feel better” because despite going through months of physical therapy, at 33, my body wouldn’t fold.
What I mean to say is that physically I couldn’t bend over to pick up trash or put on my shoes — I felt really old and afraid of myself, despite trying my best to live healthier than what I was raised to be. Since then, I have come to know that there are various reasons *why* my spine had deteriorated so quickly but either way, they said it was mostly just my draw and I would have to learn to deal with it…
This wasn’t the start of my journey with my body but it was a significant corner to turn that changed my perception of healing and health : suddenly the goal became more about having more good days than bad rather than having no bad days at all.
Pain for anyone is a relative feeling. When you live with chronic illness, pain becomes a curve - you judge it off the worst it has been. Over the past three years I had to relearn to observe myself in a way I was programmed to think selfish (I don’t think that anymore) and needless to say, I am happy to be flawed if it means I am closer to feeling loyal to my spectacular self. The more I observe myself, the more I learn that my physical pain is almost always a gateway to my mental wellbeing : a *gift* that taught me how to listen and respond to my body & mind in more mindful ways.
I say all this to say that these days I am finding a lot of comfort in believing that “trusting the process”is more than just hoping for the best to come around. It’s more like truly appreciating & learning from each element (even the hardships) and knowing that all these things are a part of your YOU who will always be greater than the sum of your parts.
Easier said than done, I know, but certainly a belief to strive for. A lot of times, there are these pieces of wisdom in my thinking brain that I can really get behind but then I just try to go about my day and my body doesn't abide. It is triggered, it has learned to know the intricacies of pain points. But I keep going and focus on channeling that energy into an expression, creation being the embodiment of love.